Just the ordinary morning ramblings. I wake up from a seemingly brief sleep at 3:30 AM, just barely making out John Krasinski’s face in the dream I was having right before my alarm went off. I contemplate on whether to get up and shower or press the SNOOZE button and sleep for another 10 more minutes. Then, I rub the exhaustion from eyes.
Early morning ramblings…
On my way to the hospital, I look at the orange-pink sky in the horizon. I notice the bare streets and the street sweepers and I say a little prayer. All of this and I wonder how I got here. Why did I decide to do this? I mean it’s not like I know how to do anything else? Was this the consequence of an impulsive decision 6 years ago? “Damn,” I say to myself. I’ve been on this road for 6 fucking years. I ponder some more and then I arrive.
It’s not that I don’t love what I do. I DO. Similar to most relationships-whether it’s with a boyfriend/girlfriend, your family or your career, there are good and bad days. I certainly enjoy the good days. Those days are made up of the friendly faces that I see, surprisingly, in the Emergency Room, amidst the daily hustle and bustle. I get to see good, honest, hard-working people move around with IV bottles, tubes and syringes. Bad days, on the other hand, are exhausting, and you literally feel your emotional battery draining, one green bar at a time until you’re at the bottom of the cylinder. An exaggeration?
It’s a commitment…
I said “I do” to the idea of wearing that slightly stained long white coat and saving lives with the naïve notion that the road to it would be endurable. I believe I have endured. Anyone in the health care profession would probably say something similar. You can say you love something so much and still feel tired, I guess. And in the midst of shaking knees about to give, I see friends, family members, going about their lives, moving forward- whatever that may mean to you. Was I stuck with the fruits of circumstance or to the product of my own decisions?
There are days when I ask myself “Had I been more informed, more creative 10 years ago, would I have made the same decision. Would I have chosen this path, still?”
I’ll be completely frank. I’m not ashamed to say “NO”. But what else could be more fulfilling to me than this?
My dad once told me “Just think of yourself as a rubber band”- Your fibers stretched to what seems like your limit, and you reach that and you think to yourself, “I can go much further than this”. And then the next thing you know you’re high in the air, soaring to a place you never thought you’d reach. After everything you’ve been through, you’re so much more than you ever dreamed possible.
“Think of yourself as a rubber band.”– Dad
There’s one thing you shouldn’t do…
It’s a slow, painfully exhausting process but it is crucial that you DON’T STOP. But don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break. Contrary to popular belief, rest is very important for both the body and the soul. What we shouldn’t forget is that dreams are only dreams until you act on it. If you find something that lights a fire inside you, one that feeds that inner hunger, pursue it. Trust me, it’s worth it. At the end of the day, to me, it always is.
For those of you who feel afraid I say you’re on the right path. Go at your own pace. It’s never going to be as easy as you think. But nothing worth doing ever is.
Contributor: Candace Santos
Did you like this article by Candace Santos? Let littlemisadvencha know in the comment section.
Cha of littlemisadvencha is a Filipino Civil Engineer, researcher and a fur mom. She came from General Santos City and finds that everything in life teaches her a lesson. She is inspired to write about and out of her experiences, but later found out that it was her experiences that actually inspire her.